Elroy's Choice
by PhantomKnight88
Summary: Elroy chooses who he likes best, Clark or Lois' boyfriend


**Elroy's Choice**

I'm walking through a thick lush wood, every thing peaceful and quiet. Suddenly I come up to a clear blue river and as I bend to get a drink hundreds of salmon start swimming upstream right past me. Next thing I know, the salmon are jumping through the air, landing in a pile in front of me, but just as l lean down to begin my feast, I awake with a start as Mom leans down to kiss my nose goodbye.

"Elroy, I've got to go to work now. I've left a full bowl of food in the kitchen, so please no birds today; you're starting to get a little pouch there. Love you." With one last scratch behind my ears, she walks out the bedroom and a few seconds later I hear the front door close.

I lay there for a few more minutes, trying to get comfortable, but I find that the big, fluffy, feather pillows and comforter on Mom's and mine huge bed was currently uncomfortable, so I lazily get up and stretch before wandering into Mom's closet. There next to the shoe rack is a pile of my favorite shoes, so I curl up and promptly fall asleep again.

I wake up around two, and feeling ravished, I go into the kitchen and eat my full. When I'm finished (there was only enough left for a small snack or two) I wander into the bathroom to do my duty. Several minutes later I walk back out, feeling extremely satisfied. No matter how many times I do it, I never get tired of scooping litter over my duty and the floor surrounding my box. Though Mom doesn't seem all that excited about it; I've never been able to figure out why.

I wander back into the family room and spotting the large, beefy bird I shift from a loving cat into a terrifying predator. I carefully and silently slink to the opposite side of the room and through my personal door, and out onto the patio. I then hide behind a potted plant, contemplating what the best angle for my attack is.

I'm just about pounce when I remember what Mom asked of me this morning. I silently weigh the pro's and con's and decide my final course of action.

That bird never had a chance; it was in my claws before it knew what happened. It was struggling valiantly, but the end wasn't far off. While doing my victory dance, me softening the meat by batting around the body as I would a ball of string, I felt a slight twinge of guilt for disobeying Mom. But that guilt was replaced by satisfaction as I bit into the body.

I ate slowly and when done I headed back into the house leaving only bunch of feathers, a head, and the two wings behind. I was feeling tired so spotting the square foot of sunlight on the carpeted floor, I lay down to bask in the sun's warmth.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know is Mom's walking through the door with her left arm in a sling and a gait suggesting she bruised some ribs.

I'm instantly up and almost sprinting to her site. I rub myself against her legs silently asking what happened and how I could help.

Mom, sensing my concern and curiosity, starts talking and her warm voice quickly sooths my fears. As she talks she picks me up and we settle onto the couch with me in her lap and her scratching me under my chin; my favorite spot.

"Clark and I had an interview with the mayor at one so we went for an early lunch at _Tony's, _just a block from city hall. As usual, Clark had to run out during the middle of our meal, but he was back before too long, I really should follow him one of these times to find out where he really goes, there's only so many times a person can return a late movie or forget his wallet."

At this I'm silently laughing at Mom. How she doesn't know Clark's Superman is beyond me. Not only do the look the same, but _smell _exactly the same as well. But then I have heard that humans have less developed senses than cats, and as far as cats go I have very developed olfactory senses.

It suddenly occurs to me that she's just not ready to see that her dorky, farm boy partner slash best friend, whom she secretly loves, and the superhero who is constantly saving her life, who she blatantly has a crush on, are one in the same. If she did she'd have to admit she's in love with Clark, and that probably also why Clark hasn't told her; he wants her to love him, Clark, not Superman and who she thinks he is.

"Anyways, by the end of lunch we still have forty-five minutes before our interview, so I pull Clark into the nearby _Bank of Metropolis_ to do the banking I've been putting off for the last two months. I was just walking up to a teller when my infamous luck kicks in.

"A group of five wannabe villains stormed in. All of them were wearing black pants, black shirts, black jackets, and black ski masks. Best of all was all five of them were holding machine guns.

"These boys obviously weren't the smartest tools in the shed, because they all went to the tellers  
without leaving a guard. Then again most people don't want to go up against a machine gun, so they were pretty much safe as they loaded the money into black duffle bags…Black. What was up with all that black? At night it would make sense, but the middle of the day? And what about those duffle bags, I've always thought that backpacks would make the getaway easier. It was like they had this preconceived notion of what bank robbers are supposed to dress like.

Again I laugh at Mom's typical behavior of getting of topic. She shakes her head in annoyance and continues the story.

"Like I said they weren't the smartest tools in the shed, so they panic when the police react to the silent alarm. They argue for almost five minutes before deciding the best way to escape is to take a hostage with them. Guess who that person was?

"Fortunately, for me not them, Superman swooped in as soon as we were outside. They of course panicked, again, and continued to show their oh-so-high intelligence by firing their machine guns at Superman. The guy holding me pushes me aside, so he can control his weapon with both hands. Without their hostage they don't have a bargaining chip and Superman is able to take away their weapons and tie them up in about five seconds.

"When that guy pushed me aside, I had lost my balance and fallen on my left side; hard. I ended up having three bruised ribs and a strained shoulder muscle. Superman had offered to fly me to the hospital and I'd almost accepted, but then I remembered that Clark would be really concerned. Superman then took one last look around to see if he could help, then jumped into the air looking majestic with his red cape billowing behind him.

"Seconds later Clark is at my side, asking if I'm hurt. He drives me to the hospital where it takes us an hour to type and send our story to Perry, so much better than another boring interview with the mayor, and then another five hours of doing nothing (I really laughed here, cause its almost impossible to picture those two doing nothing when around each other) and a final hour getting poked and prodded by those idiots they call doctors."

I'm feeling very hungry again, and I tell Mom just that, so we walk together into the kitchen. On the way she looks out onto the patio and see's the remains of the bird. "ELROY! Didn't I ask you to NOT eat any birds today. Continue this and you'll not get any dinner, the days you eat one."

Panic courses through my body. I meow several times to tell her I'm sorry and that I won't do it again, at least until she forgets she said that.

"Fine, it's agreed." She makes a disgusted look at the remains and thinks out loud. "Clark can clean that up when he gets here. Now let's get your dinner."

All too soon my food is gone, and though I always wish for more I never get it; Clark's always teasing me I'm too fat, and Mom cuts back on my food every time he does.

Mom and I return to the living room where she turns on the T.V before grabbing my favorite toy, an intricately woven band of rainbow colored string. It's a toy fit for a king. And since I'm a king, its just purrfect.

Mom always says that playing with me helps her to relax and she must really need to tonight because she's really putting me through a workout. I'm batting and pouncing, and pouncing and batting, but every time I have the string in my grasp, she helps it to escape. If I wasn't having so much fun, I'd be mad right now, and be ignoring Mom for the next two days.

I was just starting to get my rhythm when a loud knock was heard at the door. Mom groaned before grumbling something like, "Not home, go away," and many other words not appropriate for children's ears.

The knocking stopped, but before we could relax a call came through the door, "Lois, I just spoke with Chloe so I know you're in there. Now stop playing with that dumb cat and let me in."

It's Joe, Mom's latest loser boyfriend. Who is he to call me a 'dumb cat.' Well, if he wants a dumb cat I'll give him a dumb cat. Mom's grumbling and inappropriate increases as she wraps the string loosely around my neck and stands to walk to the door.

As I continue batting the string, my attackers were becoming more and more vicious as I was thinking how to show Joe just how 'dumb' I am. Mom was opening the door just I as I thought of the purrfect plan. Now I just have to wait for the right moment to execute it.

Mom pulled open the door to reveal Joe's concerned face. He's not a tall man, only a couple inches taller than Mom, thin of both body and face, with shaggy brown hair and beady brown eyes. I personally don't see why Mom finds him so attractive.

He's talking full speed as soon as the door closes behind him. "Lois, are alright? Are you hurt? Do you need me to do anything? Why didn't you call me?"

Mom holds up three fingers and replies, "I'm fine, it's only a strained shoulder muscle and some bruised ribs, I was hurt worse in boot camp," puts a finger, "I don't need anything personally, but Elroy caught a bird, so you can clean up the remains on the patio," Mom puts another finger down, "I didn't call you because I didn't need you, Clark was more than capable of helping me." She then proceeds to tell a shortened version of the story she told me.

Joe gets a confused look on his face, as Mom finishes. "Lois, I asked you four questions, you only answered three."

The look on Mom's face is priceless, like she can't believe she's dating this idiot. It's about time, I couldn't believe it the fist date. "John, the fist two questions were basically the same, I answered both at the same time."

"Oh, ok." His confusion returns to satisfaction. He stands in silence for a few moments until Mom's final comment while answering questions and his face turns into a mask of rage. "Clark, Clark was with you?"

Yep, Joe is the pinnacle of intelligence for mankind. Their all doomed.

"Uh, Joe, did you listen to what I told you? Clark and I had an lunch time interview, so we went to lunch.."

He cuts her off saying, "You went to lunch with a man, not your boyfriend, while having a boyfriend. Do you know how that looks?"

"No, I don't know how that looks, because I went to lunch with my friend and partner." Now Mom's voice had a slight edge to it. If there was one thing I had learned, it was you don't question Mom's friendship with Clark if you want to keep walking.

Joe obviously didn't get that memo, as he just keeps digging his own grave. "Then you don't see how he looks at you."

"And just how does Clark look at me?" Mom's tone clearly said 'don't answer if you want to live' but such subtleties were lost on John so he continued.

"Like he wants to sleep with you right then and there." Ok, maybe Joe's not _that_ stupid, cause I've seen the look he's talking about, but I also know Clark would never do anything while Mom's got a boyfriend, he's too honorable.

Mom, however, has never seen it, or if she has she dismisses it as something else. "Clark and I are like brother and sister, nothing will _ever_ happen between us." At this Joe gets this look on his face as if he's trying to stop himself from laughing, but having no such restrictions myself, I'm rolling around on the floor, laughing hysterically.

I'm still laughing when there's a soft knock at the door. Before anyone could answer, Clark walks through the door, as was his custom (he hadn't waited since Mom told him he didn't have to about two months after they started working together) with a steaming bags of Chinese food in his hands.

"Hey Lois, sorry it took so long. Why on earth did you have to get a craving for this particular Chinese food…Oh, hi Joe." Clark nervously pushes his overlarge glasses back up his nose. Clark doesn't like Joe anymore than I do; he only puts up with him to make Mom happy.

"Clark," Any idiot can hear the tightness in John's voice. He turns back to Mom. "Not only was Clark with you in the hospital, but he bought you dinner too, and you say that you guys are only friends."

So the food Clark bought explains why Mom didn't eat the same time I did, and I have to admit, that food smells really good.

"Joe, ever since you've met Clark, you've acted like he stole your toy on the playground. Clark and I are friends and that is never going to change."

Finally the idiot must finally get that anger isn't going to get him anywhere, because he suddenly turns tender and takes Mom by the hands. Clark, standing to the side, looks more than slightly nauseated.

"Lois, it just seems like you spend more time with Clark than with me, I just want to spend more time, well, alone with you. Even when we are alone, Clark is still brought up in the conversation. I don't even need hands to count the number of times he hasn't."

Mom gets this tender look on her face, and gently puts a hand on the side of Joe's face. She leans up, as if to kiss him, but before either Clark or I can get even more nauseated, she says in his ear in a soft voice, "That is the biggest load of bull, I've ever heard." She pulls away from him. "You're just jealous of the friendship Clark and I have. I have male friends and Clark is one of those friends, you're just going to just have to deal with it."

"I can deal with your male friends and I can deal with Clark being one of those friends, I just want to know I come first above all of them, that's what being in a relationship is."

For once Mom doesn't seem to know how to react, so Clark finally steps in. "I have an idea. You're right Joe it isn't fair to you that Lois cares more for me than for you, so I propose a contest. If you win I'll go strait to Perry and tell him that for personal reasons Lois and I can't work together, and I will only see Lois at the _Daily Planet_, no more going out after hours. But if I win, you're going to never again complain about my presence in her life."

I can't believe Clark is doing this, he must have some hidden agenda; there is no way he would propose something like this without knowing he will get something out of it.

The look on Joe's face made it obvious that he thought he could win no problem, but just as he is about to agree to it, Mom steps in.

"Now, hold on. Clark is willing to give up a lot; I think it's only fair that Joe is willing to give up more as well. Joe, it Clark wins you are going to let me break up with you."

"Why do I have to let you break up with me?"

"Simple, I'd rather be the dumper instead of the dumpy."

"Fine, I agree. What's the challenge Clark?"

"Actually, I think Lois should decide on the challenge. It's only fair."

So that was Clark's plan. Make it look like he's willing to give up everything and allow his opponent only a slight concession relying on the fact that Mom would then make him give up something just as big, all in such a way that Joe could never complain about. Oh yea, he's good.

"Hmm, let me think. I know. How about we let Elroy decide who he likes better. Yea. You two will sit at opposite ends of the family room, and I'll place Elroy on the floor between you, hopefully he'll go to the one of you he likes best."

I like this idea; I can implement my plan and get back at Clark for all those fat jokes. Though looking at the expression on Joe's face he isn't too fond of the idea.

"Let _Elroy_ decide? He's a cat! He can't make an intelligent decision about this. How about instead of the cat deciding Clark and I each kiss you and you decide who's the better kisser, or we can see who can bench press the most, or who has the biggest (Joe pauses looking for the best word)… thing."

The biggest thing, what is he in kindergarden? Mom and Clark were obviously of the same opinion as they look at each other then back at Joe, both of them with this indescribable look on their faces. It's several moments before Mom finds her voice again

"Um, well those are great ideas, but I know who would win each and every one of those, and I don't know for certain whom Elroy will pick. So we'll go with that. Now Clark you sit at the end of the couch; Joe you sit in the chair on the opposite side."

Both complied; Clark looked smug and Joe looked… stupid.

Once both were seated Mom picked me up and whispers, "I really need you to pick who you like the best, not who has the more comfy lap." Yea, like I'm going to pass up an opportunity like this.

Mom sets me down on the floor between the two men and I promptly sit down and start licking myself. I'm doing this for several minutes, finally looking up at both men, seeing their reactions to the wait. Clark was waiting patiently, reading some magazine he found on the lamp stand Joe, on the other hand, looks ready to explode.

I stop my self ministrations and stretch before standing. Now all three people in the room are staring intently at me (Mom some how had started some movie while she waited). I sit there for several more seconds, acting like I'm actually debating who I like more. Then, suddenly I walk toward Joe.

Now it was Joe's turn to look smug if not slightly surprised. Mom and Clark just looked incredulous. Just they wait and see what I really have planed.

I stop just in front of Joe's chair rubbing against his chair. Joe looks really smug now.

"Well, Clark looks like I win, it was nice knowing you, don't let the door hit you on the way out."

"Just wait, Elroy has to sit in your lap. You haven't won anything yet."

Now was the time, to get back at Joe for all the times he's tortured me. I crouch preparing to jump. I jump feeling my body fly to the air and just before I hit my target, I push my claws from their hiding spots, and land as hard as I can. On Joe's thing. And just for added measure I start pawing the spot I landed.

The scream that emits from Joe's mouth is incredible. Fearing for what he'll do to me when he gets control of his pain, I sprint across the room, making sure to put extra weight on my hind legs upon lift off, and jump in to Clark's lap, purring gently. This only increases the deep laughs coming from his chest.

Mom is in the same position as Joe, on the floor, but while Joe is in pain, Mom is laughing just as hard as Clark, possibly harder.

After several minutes, the three people were finally able to get their reactions under control, though traces of humor still stayed on Clark's face. Mom adopted a look of faux sadness.

"Well Joe, I guess this is, it we're through. Now get out of my apartment, I don't want to see you again."

"Wh…wha…what? Lois? You can't, what about us?"

"Joe, we had some good times, but you agreed to this little challenge, therefore you must adhere to the terms of said challenge, therefore we're through. And honestly, I was going to break up with you soon anyway."

With these words Joe, pulls himself upright with a haughty attitude. "Fine. See if I care, you aren't good enough for me anyways. Goodbye Lois." He does an about-face that would make any military leader proud, marches to the door, and leaves slamming the door on the way out.

"Well that was rude. So did you bring the movie Smallville?"

"Yea, I did. It's by the food. You start the movie, I'll reheat the food."

As Mom goes to start the movie I follow Clark into the kitchen hoping to snag some food that I know is going to fall onto the floor. I pause in the entry way as I see Clark going through Mom's purse. Before I can wonder what he's doing, he pulls out a picture of Joe that Joe had placed in there when they started dating.

I meow gently asking to see the picture. Clark places it on the ground and goes to the microwave to collect the food. As he walks out he glances back at me, and breaks out laughing hysterically.

"Good boy Elroy, good boy!"

I glance at his retreating back, before going back to shredding Joe's ugly face.


End file.
